You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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