ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
