I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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