like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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