fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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