you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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