My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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