dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
