Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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