sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
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just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.