I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.