Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
