When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
