I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
