please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
