All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
