You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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