I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
