He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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