I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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