I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
