It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
