there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
