Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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