I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am one with the molecules
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
