well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
