This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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