so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
