Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
