My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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