Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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