Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
