New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
