So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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