Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i came on her dog
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
