i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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