Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
