The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
