dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
