Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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