Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
