He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
