he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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