fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
