My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
