hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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