Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
