oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
