I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
