So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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