I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
