I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
