I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
