I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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