the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
