I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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