A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
