this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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