I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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