I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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