I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
